Control vs Emptiness

This morning I found myself frightened.  Just finishing my devotional time, I began outlining my day in my minds’ eye.  There is nothing I must accomplish, not a thing I “must” do!  What am I going to do with myself?  I like to occupy – be occupied – fill up my senses – every time and space!  And if I am not occupied I become preoccupied; by filling the empty spaces before I have set foot there. Mostly, by worries and other emotional pro-activity.

I began working through my fearful deli-ma by quickly reacquainting myself with the words, “horror vacui.” Baruch Spinoza was speaking of our horrendous fear of vacancy.

It is extremely difficult to allow emptiness to exist in my life.  Any part of it, any time; especially when I have not practiced it for a few years, now.  The reason being; I like to be in control. Emptiness requires my willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen.  It requires trust, surrender, openness to guidance.  Yes, I just finished my devotion to God but left without an understanding that God’s actions (not mine) in my life will be, eternally significant.

Thinking is the begining to it all

Bettyann and I viewed the recently released movie, “The Iron Lady.”  During a scene with her doctor, Margaret Thatcher, (played by Meryl Steep), tells the doctor he should be more interested in the way she thinks than how she feels. 

That scene, with the speed of light, rushed me back, to a six week study with Albert Ellis and Reality therapy.  The theory being, that thinking is the basis for all feelings and behavior. 

There is no time that my mind is not active.  I analyze, reflect, daydream or dream.  My mind is always working.  Doing what?  Thinking.  My thoughts are “unceasing.”  Yes, thinking is my greatest gift; on the other hand the source of my greatest pain.  Thankfully, I have learned that I do not have to become a victim of my unceasing thoughts?  I can convert my unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer by making my inner monolog into a continuing dialog with God, who is the source of my life and love.

I want to continue to practice separating myself from thinking in isolation and allow the Holy Spirit, who dwells at the very center of my soul, to communicate with love to all that occupies and preoccupies my mind.