Sunday, October 16, 2016

My Struggle with Anonymity

It is just about the dumbest incident I have ever read or heard.  I am unable to comprehend it; it's so stupid. Yet I find myself in it. It seems that a fella, wearing sunglasses and shirt over the lower portion of his face, walked into a pharmacy and announced it was a robbery.  The pharmacist toward the back of the store was astonished and couldn't believe it. He quickly came to the front, not with a gun in hand, not hollering in an attempt to dissuade the attempting robber but rather, recognizing the voice, called the man by name and told him not to joke around like this.  The  would-be burglar immediately spun around and ran out of the store, boarding a nearby city bus.

Most recently I found how easy it is to enter into a certain situation with a false sense of anonymity. Kind of like; when Bettyann says to me I can't wear the dirty shop shirt and pants to do banking.  I respond, that it will be fine, that no one knows me, anyway. Shielded under the veil of obscurity, the pharmacy break-in seemed somehow easier to carry out. The man walked into the pharmacy thinking he would carry out a faceless robbery, when in fact the pharmacist knew his name, his address, and enough of his character to suspect it was a joke. Had the pharmacist not recognized him, he might have followed through with the crime.

A long time ago, I was startled by the thought the God knows my name.  Ever since that day, I struggle in my inner being when I hear the phrase, "she/he found God." No, God found her/him. I have asked myself the question time and time again: Whether living with the suspicion that some flaws, fears, thoughts, or some worries can stay hidden, how has it changed my life, knowing God is calling out my name in the midst of it? At seventy three am I still as startled at the sound of my name; jarred to attention by the only sovereign One in the room? Yep, just like this pharmacy burglar, there are still times I instinctively feel like running, finding myself suddenly exposed where I once thought I was safely hidden. But really, what point is there in running away from Someone who knows my name?

 At one time in my life the words of Psalm 139 seemed a harsh reminder that my fleeing from God was unsuccessful. David’s prayer seemed to leap out, a stubborn confession of my own inability to hide:

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me…Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?”

But there has always been one verse (6) in this psalm I unconsciously ignored. Speaking personally of God’s omniscience in his own life, David said, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” This morning, I realize there have been many reasons in life that I have instinctively attempted to run from You. Often times, the thought of remaining in the presence of Your Holiness, Who knows my name has been far too much to bear. When I ruminate on it; the thought of it always makes me feel scolded. I don't wnt t justify myself, but David, too, seemed familiar with the terror of being caught in sin and called out by name. And yet, he also knew the beautiful mystery of being in the presence of One who would never stop calling his name, though he made his bed in the depths or settled on the far side of the sea.

Father, God, in the fact that You know my name means that You will not stop looking for me even though I hide.  I commit I am going to apply Your grace much more from this moment on not to turn away, but also know if my propensity for doing so rears up, You will not abstain from loving me. You, Father will not stop striving to bring me back into arms that long to gather me: “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Such knowledge is indeed too lofty for me to attain. Amen

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